Dick and Maryanne,
I'm writing to let you know that you really hurt me and let me down.
You proclaim to be Catholic.
You told me, "no matter what happens with you and Mike, we will always love you, we will always be family, we will always be here for you..."
Yet, when a horrible thing happened, you never checked to see if I was okay.
You never called or emailed or stopped by to see if I was alright.
You only heard and listened to your son's point of view and never even once checked to see if I was hurt and needing help.
You lied and failed in your obligation.
I need you to know this.
I need this guilt to be on your conscience.
I need you to see your wrongs.
Did it ever occur to you once that I could be hurting and in need of help? Did it ever occur to you that there are two sides to every argument, and despite whatever Mike told you there was the truth that you never bothered to find out?
Did you know that throughout our relationship Mike would punch walls, punch himself in the face, and overall get violent and drunk and nasty?
You failed in making good on your own oathe to do good. You broke your promise of love and family.
I hope that when you are hurt and broken and flailing you have people there for you, unlike me when Mike and I broke up.
All these years later,
Still bitter,
Leila
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Ryan from Wine Country
Dear Ryan,
You and I both know what happened that day you came by the river house.
I was home alone, after work, playing World of Warcraft in my office.
You knocked on the door, and I was surprised to see you.
We weren't in touch or friends at that point, other than times you'd come over as Tim's friend. Tim was my roommate.
I figured you were there to see Mike. I told you he'd moved. You said you knew. You said you were there to see me.
I was confused about why...
You asked to come in. I said sure.
We sat at the kitchen table and I offered you water. You asked if I had any beer. This shocked me, as I thought you were on the wagon, after what had happened to you... A conviction for Involuntary Vehicular manslaughter while driving drunk.
Everytime I'd seen you before that night, you touted the principles of AA and never imbibed when everyone else at my house was drinking.
I respected you for this. I thought you were cool. And I felt a deep compassion and curiosity for you and what you'd been through.
You then revealed that you had always harbored a thing for me. That you thought I was an amazing woman, that you were attracted to me, and you always wondered why I was with a "jerk like Mike". You talked about how I deserved better.
You asked about the break-up and what I was doing with my life.
I told you about how I was unhappy with Mike and it exploded into a separation that was long coming, and that now I was happy to be living alone and had a full time job at O'Reilly Media in Sebastopol.
I was simply unhappy with my dogs, that Mike and I had gotten together and when we split, he completely neglected responsibility for.
They tore up the house and were a real nightmare, and after taking them to a vet, I had my suspicion confirmed that they were half pit bull, not half black lab.
I wanted to move and was seeking a better living situation.
Out of the blue, during this conversation, you offered to help me move.
You told me that you had a family property and wanted to let me live there.
I didn't understand this generosity and the urgency you expressed about it.
You kept telling me how gorgeous and amazing I was and staring at me.
I asked you where you were before you came over, as it seemed you'd been drinking. You said you were at the pub with Tim and some other people.
This immediately made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I sensed that your visit was a prank, that you were put up to it by Tim and the other people you were with through a drunken fit of prank playing.
I felt that you were not sincere in your protestations of love.
You told me that you wanted to marry me. You know you said this.
You said you could marry me and that you were not happy with your current relationship.
I told you that I didn't know what to think of all this. I said to you, I'm really shocked by all this, I don't know what to say.
And you said, please let me know what you think.
I said... I really don't know.
At this point it got uncomfortable and I asked you to go.
I walked you to your car, as you continually turned around and tried to hug me and get a confession of returned feelings.
Then I saw you drive off.
I was really confused and shocked.
You called me a few days later, and I got your message.
Then, my cell phone was cut off and I lost your phone number.
And the irony is, I did not know your last name....
I did not know how to find you.
I was so cut off from Mike and his friends and family that I had no way to find you.
I hope you are now having a happy life. I hope you are healthy.
I still wonder if you were sincere.
And I wish you the best.
Leila
You and I both know what happened that day you came by the river house.
I was home alone, after work, playing World of Warcraft in my office.
You knocked on the door, and I was surprised to see you.
We weren't in touch or friends at that point, other than times you'd come over as Tim's friend. Tim was my roommate.
I figured you were there to see Mike. I told you he'd moved. You said you knew. You said you were there to see me.
I was confused about why...
You asked to come in. I said sure.
We sat at the kitchen table and I offered you water. You asked if I had any beer. This shocked me, as I thought you were on the wagon, after what had happened to you... A conviction for Involuntary Vehicular manslaughter while driving drunk.
Everytime I'd seen you before that night, you touted the principles of AA and never imbibed when everyone else at my house was drinking.
I respected you for this. I thought you were cool. And I felt a deep compassion and curiosity for you and what you'd been through.
You then revealed that you had always harbored a thing for me. That you thought I was an amazing woman, that you were attracted to me, and you always wondered why I was with a "jerk like Mike". You talked about how I deserved better.
You asked about the break-up and what I was doing with my life.
I told you about how I was unhappy with Mike and it exploded into a separation that was long coming, and that now I was happy to be living alone and had a full time job at O'Reilly Media in Sebastopol.
I was simply unhappy with my dogs, that Mike and I had gotten together and when we split, he completely neglected responsibility for.
They tore up the house and were a real nightmare, and after taking them to a vet, I had my suspicion confirmed that they were half pit bull, not half black lab.
I wanted to move and was seeking a better living situation.
Out of the blue, during this conversation, you offered to help me move.
You told me that you had a family property and wanted to let me live there.
I didn't understand this generosity and the urgency you expressed about it.
You kept telling me how gorgeous and amazing I was and staring at me.
I asked you where you were before you came over, as it seemed you'd been drinking. You said you were at the pub with Tim and some other people.
This immediately made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I sensed that your visit was a prank, that you were put up to it by Tim and the other people you were with through a drunken fit of prank playing.
I felt that you were not sincere in your protestations of love.
You told me that you wanted to marry me. You know you said this.
You said you could marry me and that you were not happy with your current relationship.
I told you that I didn't know what to think of all this. I said to you, I'm really shocked by all this, I don't know what to say.
And you said, please let me know what you think.
I said... I really don't know.
At this point it got uncomfortable and I asked you to go.
I walked you to your car, as you continually turned around and tried to hug me and get a confession of returned feelings.
Then I saw you drive off.
I was really confused and shocked.
You called me a few days later, and I got your message.
Then, my cell phone was cut off and I lost your phone number.
And the irony is, I did not know your last name....
I did not know how to find you.
I was so cut off from Mike and his friends and family that I had no way to find you.
I hope you are now having a happy life. I hope you are healthy.
I still wonder if you were sincere.
And I wish you the best.
Leila
Monday, November 19, 2007
Dear Kimberly,
Dear Kimberly,
I remember when you first came into B.K. Frantzis Energy Arts. What kind of name is that anyways? It's so clumsy, off-putting, bizarre. Anyway, I was the office manager and event coordinator. The organization was growing and I needed an assistant. In you came.
I remember your light nature, the lightness in your presence, the ease of your composure.
I remember that I thought you were very sweet and pleasant to be around.
I remember thinking that you seemed very alert and aware, more than most people.
I remember how small your fingers were, as I saw you using them, typing names and contact information into the new database I built for the Taoist organization.
I remember our first outing as friends. You asked me to go for a hike and we went up to the top of Mount Tam, up the road behind the Energy Arts place, winding up the mountain through redwoods in your Volvo.
I knew I wanted to know you right then.
You drove to the office that day, from Calistoga, where you lived with your mother. So we took your car. I didn't own on at the time. My Celica GTS had just been repo'd and I was doing my part to live eco-consciously. I always walked to work, and I loved it. Passing through the Fairfax neighborhood, past shops and houses, and on the way home, I'd dip in the pool and do backstroke, staring up at the sky and Mount Tam in the distance.
So here we were, closing up the office, ready to drive up the twisting Fairfax Bolinas Road for a hike on the west side of Tam, the sleeping goddess.
You had to clear off the front seat to give me space to sit. On the seat was a nalgeen full of water. I'd never seen one before. I liked that you carried a big bottle of water in your car. It was 1997. People didn't do that then. It was cool.
You also had fresh lavender around your gear shift base and parking break. There was a quartz crystal glued to your dashboard in the center. A rainbow ribbon hung from the rear view mirror.
Sitting down in the cracked leather seat, I moved aside a big blue book called "Chakras" with my foot.
Your laughter came quickly and lingered. Your voiced always lilting into a giggle. Your face always with an uncanny smile that looked like you knew something important and were elated about it, like you were on the verge of sharing it with me.
I loved your kinky curly hair and how you'd twist it into a tight bun on top of your hair and then bend down and undo it and swing your head back, all glorious enlightened Medusa!
I remember when I invited you to stay at my house as a guest. You drove over two hours each way to and from Calistoga for work and our more frequent hikes. I lived right next to the office and had a guest bedroom. You stayed the night, often, and it was a pure joy for me.
You'd fill my home with happy, laughing, water drinking, yoga posing fairy energy. I loved that you'd spread yourself out on my giant living room floor and do yoga while watching South Park, a show I'd never heard of. I had a tv, but I only used it to watch movies on my VCR.
It was the Southpark early years and I can't remember ever having laughed so hard. This was a gift you brought me; the juxtaposition of holding a yoga posture and cracking up!
I lived at the end of San Francisco Boulevard, which wasn't really a boulevard at all. It was a small, three block long dead end street that was backed up against the second largest hill in Marin County.
There was a nice open space area with a trail that lead to the top of the hill. We'd walk up it every day, talking about our love lives, consciousness, ideas, dreams, B.K. Frantzis, and wind up to the top and do Chi Gung while staring across the land toward the mountain. I miss that. I cherished that.
I remember your eating style. Carry with you and boil into a pulp a variety of veggies. Rail thin. Then eat all the ice cream and cookies in the middle of the night, puke it up, and start the day with boiling veggies again. It was an odd cycle and you struggled with it.
You were studying massage arts, and always had your massage table in the back or your Volvo. You'd bring it into my house, ask me to be your guinea pig, and spend hours working on my back. You'd practice the various techniques you were studying. I loved it, of course.
For two years we went to Berkeley every Tuesday night to see Lama Pema and Arija Rinpoche to chant and learn Tibetan Reiki. We took refuge together, in the Tibetan Buddhist vows, and were named satsang sisters. Remember?
I am Yeshe and you are Vadya.
Om mani padme om....
Vajra gura padme om. Ommmmmm...
Then you met my neighbor, Moni. Some new agey 50 year old guy (you were 34) who treated you like a follower, a groupie...
You started staying at his house a lot. You distanced yourself from me.
You moved to Hawaii to be with him. You followed him around the world.
He told you to disengage from our friendship and you did.
It really hurt me.
I felt abandoned, confused, and sad.
I loved your presence, your friendship.
I'll never forget how you took care of me when I was assaulted and couldn't function for weeks. I lay in bed, catatonic or convulsing in tears and wailings. You'd bring me tea, speak to me in a gentle angel voice, push the hair out of my eyes, cleanse my face with a soft warm cloth and tell me it's going to be okay.
After this I went through a period of post traumatic shock in which I'd get angry. I had been deeply violated and abused and I was reeling. In therapy, getting all sorts of alternative treatments, and actively pursuing meditation and other forms of stress relief. But you seemed to be afraid to handle what happened to me. When I was crying and hurting you cared for me. When I got angry you recoiled. You told me my anger scared you and that you didn't know how to deal with it or be around it.
This is when you met my neighbor and started staying at his house. You quit B.K. Frantzis. You lost 30 pounds and looked anorexic.
You disappeared for 6 months and never replied to calls or emails.
When I finally heard from you it was when you told me that Moni suggested a termination of our friendship and that you were now a breatharian. You lived on air and didn't need food. He was going around the world giving workshops and talks about Breatharianism.
I didn't know what to think.
Our phone calls and emails became less frequent.
Finally, I never heard from you again.
That was 5 years ago.
But I still wonder how you are, Kimber. I wonder if you're happy. I wonder where you're living and if you're fullfilled and happy.
I'll never forget the friendship we had. You meant a lot to me.
And it really hurt to be cut out of your life with no sense of closure, with no sense of cause. I know I never wronged you. We always had a sense of honor and respect and love between us.
I wonder if Moni just brainwashed and negatively influenced you away from me.
Nevertheless, I bid you well and bow in honor to you.
Sincerely,
Leila
I remember when you first came into B.K. Frantzis Energy Arts. What kind of name is that anyways? It's so clumsy, off-putting, bizarre. Anyway, I was the office manager and event coordinator. The organization was growing and I needed an assistant. In you came.
I remember your light nature, the lightness in your presence, the ease of your composure.
I remember that I thought you were very sweet and pleasant to be around.
I remember thinking that you seemed very alert and aware, more than most people.
I remember how small your fingers were, as I saw you using them, typing names and contact information into the new database I built for the Taoist organization.
I remember our first outing as friends. You asked me to go for a hike and we went up to the top of Mount Tam, up the road behind the Energy Arts place, winding up the mountain through redwoods in your Volvo.
I knew I wanted to know you right then.
You drove to the office that day, from Calistoga, where you lived with your mother. So we took your car. I didn't own on at the time. My Celica GTS had just been repo'd and I was doing my part to live eco-consciously. I always walked to work, and I loved it. Passing through the Fairfax neighborhood, past shops and houses, and on the way home, I'd dip in the pool and do backstroke, staring up at the sky and Mount Tam in the distance.
So here we were, closing up the office, ready to drive up the twisting Fairfax Bolinas Road for a hike on the west side of Tam, the sleeping goddess.
You had to clear off the front seat to give me space to sit. On the seat was a nalgeen full of water. I'd never seen one before. I liked that you carried a big bottle of water in your car. It was 1997. People didn't do that then. It was cool.
You also had fresh lavender around your gear shift base and parking break. There was a quartz crystal glued to your dashboard in the center. A rainbow ribbon hung from the rear view mirror.
Sitting down in the cracked leather seat, I moved aside a big blue book called "Chakras" with my foot.
Your laughter came quickly and lingered. Your voiced always lilting into a giggle. Your face always with an uncanny smile that looked like you knew something important and were elated about it, like you were on the verge of sharing it with me.
I loved your kinky curly hair and how you'd twist it into a tight bun on top of your hair and then bend down and undo it and swing your head back, all glorious enlightened Medusa!
I remember when I invited you to stay at my house as a guest. You drove over two hours each way to and from Calistoga for work and our more frequent hikes. I lived right next to the office and had a guest bedroom. You stayed the night, often, and it was a pure joy for me.
You'd fill my home with happy, laughing, water drinking, yoga posing fairy energy. I loved that you'd spread yourself out on my giant living room floor and do yoga while watching South Park, a show I'd never heard of. I had a tv, but I only used it to watch movies on my VCR.
It was the Southpark early years and I can't remember ever having laughed so hard. This was a gift you brought me; the juxtaposition of holding a yoga posture and cracking up!
I lived at the end of San Francisco Boulevard, which wasn't really a boulevard at all. It was a small, three block long dead end street that was backed up against the second largest hill in Marin County.
There was a nice open space area with a trail that lead to the top of the hill. We'd walk up it every day, talking about our love lives, consciousness, ideas, dreams, B.K. Frantzis, and wind up to the top and do Chi Gung while staring across the land toward the mountain. I miss that. I cherished that.
I remember your eating style. Carry with you and boil into a pulp a variety of veggies. Rail thin. Then eat all the ice cream and cookies in the middle of the night, puke it up, and start the day with boiling veggies again. It was an odd cycle and you struggled with it.
You were studying massage arts, and always had your massage table in the back or your Volvo. You'd bring it into my house, ask me to be your guinea pig, and spend hours working on my back. You'd practice the various techniques you were studying. I loved it, of course.
For two years we went to Berkeley every Tuesday night to see Lama Pema and Arija Rinpoche to chant and learn Tibetan Reiki. We took refuge together, in the Tibetan Buddhist vows, and were named satsang sisters. Remember?
I am Yeshe and you are Vadya.
Om mani padme om....
Vajra gura padme om. Ommmmmm...
Then you met my neighbor, Moni. Some new agey 50 year old guy (you were 34) who treated you like a follower, a groupie...
You started staying at his house a lot. You distanced yourself from me.
You moved to Hawaii to be with him. You followed him around the world.
He told you to disengage from our friendship and you did.
It really hurt me.
I felt abandoned, confused, and sad.
I loved your presence, your friendship.
I'll never forget how you took care of me when I was assaulted and couldn't function for weeks. I lay in bed, catatonic or convulsing in tears and wailings. You'd bring me tea, speak to me in a gentle angel voice, push the hair out of my eyes, cleanse my face with a soft warm cloth and tell me it's going to be okay.
After this I went through a period of post traumatic shock in which I'd get angry. I had been deeply violated and abused and I was reeling. In therapy, getting all sorts of alternative treatments, and actively pursuing meditation and other forms of stress relief. But you seemed to be afraid to handle what happened to me. When I was crying and hurting you cared for me. When I got angry you recoiled. You told me my anger scared you and that you didn't know how to deal with it or be around it.
This is when you met my neighbor and started staying at his house. You quit B.K. Frantzis. You lost 30 pounds and looked anorexic.
You disappeared for 6 months and never replied to calls or emails.
When I finally heard from you it was when you told me that Moni suggested a termination of our friendship and that you were now a breatharian. You lived on air and didn't need food. He was going around the world giving workshops and talks about Breatharianism.
I didn't know what to think.
Our phone calls and emails became less frequent.
Finally, I never heard from you again.
That was 5 years ago.
But I still wonder how you are, Kimber. I wonder if you're happy. I wonder where you're living and if you're fullfilled and happy.
I'll never forget the friendship we had. You meant a lot to me.
And it really hurt to be cut out of your life with no sense of closure, with no sense of cause. I know I never wronged you. We always had a sense of honor and respect and love between us.
I wonder if Moni just brainwashed and negatively influenced you away from me.
Nevertheless, I bid you well and bow in honor to you.
Sincerely,
Leila
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Dear Dream,
Where did you go? I was really enjoying the part about how I was apologizing to the planet for using electricity that was not from renewable resources.
I woke up this morning feeling totally aware, more than ever, about energy consumption.
I was aware of how we must change our lives.
Thank you for bringing this into my waking awareness. It's more full now than ever: the desire to be conscious and act on that consciousness.
Oh Dream, how I Love you so.
Your mysterious world that takes me in and enrapts me your stories.
I feel honored to have the key to your realm.
Dear Dream, are you closer to me now than life? You seem to be more connected to the elusive eternal. Something closer to Death, hovering in between the waking and the dying, the in-between realm of consciousness...
Something near.
Dear Dream.
Leila
I woke up this morning feeling totally aware, more than ever, about energy consumption.
I was aware of how we must change our lives.
Thank you for bringing this into my waking awareness. It's more full now than ever: the desire to be conscious and act on that consciousness.
Oh Dream, how I Love you so.
Your mysterious world that takes me in and enrapts me your stories.
I feel honored to have the key to your realm.
Dear Dream, are you closer to me now than life? You seem to be more connected to the elusive eternal. Something closer to Death, hovering in between the waking and the dying, the in-between realm of consciousness...
Something near.
Dear Dream.
Leila
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Dear Kitten,
You are so cute and fuzzy! I love it.
You make me feel really happy.
I'm not sure what's going on inside your head, but it's a really cute head!
So, little kitten, what should I name you?
I've been calling you Muppet Show, because you really look unreal. Really! You move around like a muppet.
And you have no name, so I've been calling you the creature with no name, and Josey Wales.
You're really fuzzy, so I like to call you fuzz muffin, because you are so tiny and fit in my hand like a large muffin. And your black and white coloring has resulted in poppyseed muffin or poppyseed fuzz muffin or poppyseed muppet.
And then there's "little titten". Not because you have anything to do with a little titt. No, that's just the sound that came out when I called you in a high voice, "little titten, little titten". My husband didn't like that.
Oh yeah, and I originally wanted to name you Shatsi, but it's not coming naturally to call you that.
So, little kitten, I don't know your name!
What is your name, little kitten? What is your name!?
I love how you walk across the bed toward me, your purr bigger than you.
Soon, the leaves will be gone and you'll be 6 inches longer and a few inches toward the ceiling and what will you be called then?
Tell me little kitten, what is your name?
Wondering,
Leila
You make me feel really happy.
I'm not sure what's going on inside your head, but it's a really cute head!
So, little kitten, what should I name you?
I've been calling you Muppet Show, because you really look unreal. Really! You move around like a muppet.
And you have no name, so I've been calling you the creature with no name, and Josey Wales.
You're really fuzzy, so I like to call you fuzz muffin, because you are so tiny and fit in my hand like a large muffin. And your black and white coloring has resulted in poppyseed muffin or poppyseed fuzz muffin or poppyseed muppet.
And then there's "little titten". Not because you have anything to do with a little titt. No, that's just the sound that came out when I called you in a high voice, "little titten, little titten". My husband didn't like that.
Oh yeah, and I originally wanted to name you Shatsi, but it's not coming naturally to call you that.
So, little kitten, I don't know your name!
What is your name, little kitten? What is your name!?
I love how you walk across the bed toward me, your purr bigger than you.
Soon, the leaves will be gone and you'll be 6 inches longer and a few inches toward the ceiling and what will you be called then?
Tell me little kitten, what is your name?
Wondering,
Leila
Dear Asshole,
Why are you like that?
All puckered and brown. Stinky!
Why are you mean spirited and selfish? Why do you do things that hurt others? Why are you so unconscious?
Do you know how much I cried because of you?
Do you know how much pain you bring to the world?
What do you want in your life?
What is bothering you so much that you rage and scream at the world and drag people down into your hell with you?
Why do you punch walls and never stop? Why don't you ever stop and breathe and see the sky?
What will free you, my friend?
I wish that your anger and asshole nature dies.
I wish you a happy life.
Sincerely,
Leila
All puckered and brown. Stinky!
Why are you mean spirited and selfish? Why do you do things that hurt others? Why are you so unconscious?
Do you know how much I cried because of you?
Do you know how much pain you bring to the world?
What do you want in your life?
What is bothering you so much that you rage and scream at the world and drag people down into your hell with you?
Why do you punch walls and never stop? Why don't you ever stop and breathe and see the sky?
What will free you, my friend?
I wish that your anger and asshole nature dies.
I wish you a happy life.
Sincerely,
Leila
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